I bought this after reading rave reviews on The Jericho Tree. The book contains some great tips but it could easily be condensed into thirty (if not three) pages so I'm going to use this post to remind myself of the main ideas.
Listening.
You need to show empathy when you talk to children. They need their feelings validated and acknowledged not dismissed. To do this:
- Listen with full attention rather than questioning or giving advice.
- Use "oh", "Mmm" and "I see" to encourage them to speak further and come up with their own solutions.
- Give their feelings a name - "that sounds frustrating!"
- Give them their wishes in fantasy - "I wish I could give you a pony".
Let a small child draw how angry they are or draw some zig zags and ask "is this how angry you are?"
If a child is really angry just being there may be all they need you don't have to talk.
To Engage Cooperation.
- Describe what you see or describe the problem - "there's is milk on the floor".
- Give information - "that will start to smell if it isn't cleaned up".
- Say it with a word - "cloth".
- Talk about your feelings - "I feel taken for granted when a problem is just left for me".
- Write a note - "Please clean this up xx".
Alternatives to Punishment.
- Point out a way to be helpful - "it would be helpful if you could…".
- Express strong disapproval (without attacking character) - "I don't like what you're doing it is disturbing other people".
- State your expectations - "I expect you to eat at the table".
- Show the child how to make amends.
- Offer a choice - "you can watch TV quietly or you can go to bed".
- Take Action (remove or restrain) - turn off the TV.
- Allow natural consequences to occur - don't take them back to the place where they misbehaved.
Don't use time-out and naughty chairs. Give a child private time with a caring adult who will help them deal with their feelings and figure out better ways to handle them.
Problem Solving with children.
- Talk about the child's feelings and needs e.g. they want 6 friends to sleep over.
- Talk about your feelings and needs e.g. you have to work the next day.
- Brainstorm some solutions - write down all possible options without evaluating.
- Cross off the unacceptable solutions and talk through the possibles.
Encouraging Autonomy.
- Let children make choices (at what time will you take your bath?)
- Show respect for a child's struggle (offer a tip rather than rushing in to help them).
- Don't ask too many questions ("Welcome home" rather than "how was the party….").
- Don't rush to answer questions (they've probably given it some thought themselves already) - Child "Why do I have to wear my hat" Adult "Why do you have to wear a hat?"
- Encourage children to use sources outside the home (internet, school librarian).
- Don't take away hope (don't try to protect them from disappointment by dousing their dreams in realism).
Don't talk about a child if front of them, it makes them feel like objects.
Praise and Self-Esteem.
- Describe what you see "You said you'd be ready at 5pm and you are".
- Describe what you feel "It's great not to be rushing".
- Sum up in a word "that's what I call punctuality".
How to free children from playing roles (e.g. living up to a 'naughty child' label).
- Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of themselves - "you were honest about breaking that toy".
- Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently - "can you reach the suitcase down from the wardrobe for me?".
- Let children overhear you saying something positive about them - "he stayed still at the dentist".
- Model the behaviour you'd like to see.
- Be a storehouse for your child's special moments - "remember when you baked Grandma's birthday cake".
- When they behave according to the old label state your feelings and your expectations - "I know you don't want to come off the computer but I don't like it when you lie about how long you've been on".
